OH MY FUCKING GOD! (and by “God” I’m talking about mine, not theirs!) IT WAS A DULL CIRCUS; keeps u attentive and entertained but for criticism! I have never ever wasted 2 fucking hours of my time to such sarcastic and pathetic bullcrap! I had to go because it was my grandma and aunt’s death memorial.
Ps. Ive been to masses before, it’s not like I am so thrilled because I haven’t been to any, but this one...It was epic! (Christian family members agree)
First off, it started with two fat men singing crappy songs. One of them short and fat, with that stupid look on his face, aged around 40 something, most probably never been laid before. The other was tall and really huge, with a retarded look on his face- like, literally retarded, in his mid-forties and definitely has never gotten laid in his life, let alone seen a naked woman. He kept giving me the look; I don’t know if it’s because I looked too weird to be in church and like I did not belong there, or because he is a perv. Either way, he did not stop looking my way. Anyways, so both men have horrible voices. The short one must’ve tried becoming a famous singer but it didn’t work out for him because his body language and the way he moved his arms look like he is imitating Wael Kfoury. They were loud, out of rhythm and annoying.
Then comes the first priest, took him ages to appear at the altar; when he did, everybody stood up. For a bit I felt like I’m in a rock concert only with a shock rocker who is dressed up in so much glitter, shimmer and Louis Vitton kinda clothing. It’s hilarious, seriously. I was too shocked by his outfit. I mean, what the fuck? Was it designed by Ginger Spice? I overheard him speak about Jesus being our savior and about resurrection and all those tales- for an hour! An hour, I tell you! He kept going on and on, repeating the same twaddle on and on until I started getting suicidal ideas-and criminal ones.
Worst part is, people just kept standing up, then sitting down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. COME ON YOU FUCKING DIM WITTS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I look around the church, packed with about a hundred people, the YOUNGEST person in that crowd is 50 years old! Some were above 80, for sure! Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. It’s hideous! Awfully sad! Like hello? I have a back! We work and do stuff all day, unlike you phony priests, sitting around doing nothing all day!
And then the second priest shows up. Again, OH MY FUCKING GOD! Also dressed up in sparkle and twinkle, too Louis Vitton-ish, and that gold, my goodness! Again, it’s dreadfully dismal! He is too old to be on that altar. He sounded like he was talking gibberish. You can literally understand not one word from what he is saying. People had this confused look on their faces. I observed, smirked and kept sharing all these thoughts and criticism with mom on my left and her aunt to my right. I just had to impart or else I would’ve exploded from the grotesque irony of it! To tell you the truth, I do not know what he talked (or his other glittery buddy), because it was too monotonous, repetitive, and droning.
As for the crowd, I’ve already mentioned how old and robotic they are; I preferred robots not sheep because sheep have minds; the crowd didn’t. They just kept murmuring after the priests, repeating whatever he is saying, and reciting chants all together as if they are under the priests’ spell. I kinda understood them because it’s like me going to a concert and singing a lot to the artist. Just like I am a Megadeth fan, for instance, they are fans of Jesus (and obviously, those clowns). Nevertheless, when I sing along at a gig to my favorite band, there’s life, energy, vivacity and emotions. On the other hand, this crowd was monotonously and tediously chanting, with no emotions or energy whatsoever. How sad.
Back to the priests, suddenly, they both go inside, but we can still see them. I was astounded by how they started kissing each other, as if saluting, as if they just met, while they’ve been on the altar together for the past 2 and a half fucking hours! What the hell is this? I was expecting an act of sodomy there for a minute to tell you the truth.
Suddenly, 3 innocent little children appear carrying huge candles on big candle holders, looking like a pole, which made their tiny backs arch, and stood infront of the fat perverted man while he made his prattle speech, in a musical way. How jolly! NOT! In the background you could hear the priest babble Christian words and for a moment, especially if you close your eyes (you should try it), you’d think you’re watching a horror movie. The perverted guy starts getting louder, the short fat one starts getting louder as well, the priest inside continues mumbling but in a higher tone…I was horrified. Sounded like a soundtrack from a movie, the part where Maradentro wants to commit suicide. I started imagining people blowing their brains off while the noises in the background carried on. Gruesome!
Usually, the 2 people who contribute to hold the baskets and move between the crowd who want to donate money for the church, work on parallel terms. Each person handles a row. In this mass, one was walking in the crowd and the other followed him like his pet! It was so weird and illogical! Probably its one of the mysteries of Christianity and the ways of Jesus Christ. Or is it not? *lol*
Finally, to my horror, both (apparently gay) priests come out, all shiny, looking superb and funky, get out and walk down the aisle, each carrying an incense holder (which by the way smells like shit), and hysterically shake it, moving it up and down in a frantic way. They had a “slave” carrying an enormous golden cross, the kids with the candle holders and their arched backs, and another slave carrying the holy bread and shizz. They walked around the church, physically mingled between the crowd, pacing slowly, muttering their chants in a freaky way..and then to my revulsion, when they were on our row, I see mom bend down on the floor as if Jesus Christ, her savior, himself passed by! I was like WOAH! That was the shiznit of the entire mass! I did want to be buried 6 feet under, but I just pretended like I didn’t know her. Speaking of pretending, I’ve tried many times to pretend I was praying so I could close my eyes and sleep, but the entertainment was worth it; didn’t want to miss a thing.
Worst part is, people just kept standing up, then sitting down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. COME ON YOU FUCKING DIM WITTS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I look around the church, packed with about a hundred people, the YOUNGEST person in that crowd is 50 years old! Some were above 80, for sure! Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. It’s hideous! Awfully sad! Like hello? I have a back! We work and do stuff all day, unlike you phony priests, sitting around doing nothing all day!
And then the second priest shows up. Again, OH MY FUCKING GOD! Also dressed up in sparkle and twinkle, too Louis Vitton-ish, and that gold, my goodness! Again, it’s dreadfully dismal! He is too old to be on that altar. He sounded like he was talking gibberish. You can literally understand not one word from what he is saying. People had this confused look on their faces. I observed, smirked and kept sharing all these thoughts and criticism with mom on my left and her aunt to my right. I just had to impart or else I would’ve exploded from the grotesque irony of it! To tell you the truth, I do not know what he talked (or his other glittery buddy), because it was too monotonous, repetitive, and droning.
As for the crowd, I’ve already mentioned how old and robotic they are; I preferred robots not sheep because sheep have minds; the crowd didn’t. They just kept murmuring after the priests, repeating whatever he is saying, and reciting chants all together as if they are under the priests’ spell. I kinda understood them because it’s like me going to a concert and singing a lot to the artist. Just like I am a Megadeth fan, for instance, they are fans of Jesus (and obviously, those clowns). Nevertheless, when I sing along at a gig to my favorite band, there’s life, energy, vivacity and emotions. On the other hand, this crowd was monotonously and tediously chanting, with no emotions or energy whatsoever. How sad.
Back to the priests, suddenly, they both go inside, but we can still see them. I was astounded by how they started kissing each other, as if saluting, as if they just met, while they’ve been on the altar together for the past 2 and a half fucking hours! What the hell is this? I was expecting an act of sodomy there for a minute to tell you the truth.
Suddenly, 3 innocent little children appear carrying huge candles on big candle holders, looking like a pole, which made their tiny backs arch, and stood infront of the fat perverted man while he made his prattle speech, in a musical way. How jolly! NOT! In the background you could hear the priest babble Christian words and for a moment, especially if you close your eyes (you should try it), you’d think you’re watching a horror movie. The perverted guy starts getting louder, the short fat one starts getting louder as well, the priest inside continues mumbling but in a higher tone…I was horrified. Sounded like a soundtrack from a movie, the part where Maradentro wants to commit suicide. I started imagining people blowing their brains off while the noises in the background carried on. Gruesome!
Usually, the 2 people who contribute to hold the baskets and move between the crowd who want to donate money for the church, work on parallel terms. Each person handles a row. In this mass, one was walking in the crowd and the other followed him like his pet! It was so weird and illogical! Probably its one of the mysteries of Christianity and the ways of Jesus Christ. Or is it not? *lol*
Finally, to my horror, both (apparently gay) priests come out, all shiny, looking superb and funky, get out and walk down the aisle, each carrying an incense holder (which by the way smells like shit), and hysterically shake it, moving it up and down in a frantic way. They had a “slave” carrying an enormous golden cross, the kids with the candle holders and their arched backs, and another slave carrying the holy bread and shizz. They walked around the church, physically mingled between the crowd, pacing slowly, muttering their chants in a freaky way..and then to my revulsion, when they were on our row, I see mom bend down on the floor as if Jesus Christ, her savior, himself passed by! I was like WOAH! That was the shiznit of the entire mass! I did want to be buried 6 feet under, but I just pretended like I didn’t know her. Speaking of pretending, I’ve tried many times to pretend I was praying so I could close my eyes and sleep, but the entertainment was worth it; didn’t want to miss a thing.
I couldn’t take it anymore. And after 2 and a half hours had passed, I asked mom to be excused and went outside. The fucking end.
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